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David's Mental Meanderings
1st February 2000

I live in a modern British house.

We have no central heat, dishwasher, tumble dryer, or shower.

Most British homes do have central heat. "Central heat" in this country does not mean big ducts running through the walls and ceiling blowing warm air. Almost universally in Britain it means water-heated radiators. The boiler is usually on a timer which is set to go off during the night. This is of course when the atmosphere (both inside and out) tends to be at its coldest. Seems to me like this would be the best time for it to come on rather than go off. Instead, the British seem to glory in having houses so cold you almost have to chip away the icicles if you want to visit the potty in the middle of the night.

Ah, but I digress. As I mentioned, we have no central heat. This means it is quite comfortable to wear a jacket or sweater indoors most of the time. I keep my gloves handy. The heat in our bedroom is an open-flame gas-operated space heater. Not the wisest thing to keep on all night. A bald head straying from under the covers can quickly lead to hypothermia. And of course it's best not to have too many cups of tea before bedtime.

A dishwasher really isn't necessary. And for most Britons hot water really isn't necessary for dishwashing, either. That's the bit that bothers me. Both my wife and our landlady think me most peculiar for my odd habit of rinsing the dishes as well. Mrs. Holford, claiming to draw upon her expertise in biology, is convinced that dishwashing liquid is perfectly safe for human consumption and a little bad taste shouldn't matter.

You may be aware that Britain has two types of weather: wet and, well, very wet. Thus an outdoor clothesline is of little of use. Allegedly, there is a clotheslines in the back garden and I look forward to its use on both days of summer this year (if the long-range forecast is correct, but we know how unreliable weathermen are). Otherwise, the clothes dry over the course of several days on wire racks in the bathroom. Well, at least it seems like several days.

Why don't we have a dishwasher or dryer? I'm not sure where we - or in this case, our landlady - would put them. Space is at a premium, inside and out.

Motion pictures which depict Britain usually show large country homes situated on vast estates. They do exist, or so I've heard. Most of Britain is cramped. Very cramped.

Let's talk numbers. The population density here exceeds 625 persons per square mile. Ninety percent of the population live in urban areas. By contrast the density of the US is 74 persons per square mile with 75 percent in urban areas.

Here's a little more perspective: about 84% of the UK population lives in England. Take away Scotland and Wales (with no offence intended to the Scots and Welsh) and density is over 960 persons per square mile. England is a little smaller than Arkansas, which has 44 persons per square mile. Most people in Britain (welcoming the Celtic fringe back into our story) live in tiny little houses situated very close together. Space is a major issue in many areas of life here and I shall likely mention it in the future.

One convenience not particularly dependent upon additional space is a shower. Some homes in Britain do have them. My father-in-law has had one for over four years. It's still in the box.

There are lots of different shower models on sale at hardware stores. They are all electrical and when actually installed somehow tie into the 240-volt mains from the wall next to the bathtub. (Is it just me, or does this seem dangerous?) Invariably, they have several different knobs and buttons which allegedly perform different wonderful functions related to temperature and volume. In truth, however you set them, it is freezing cold, then blistering hot, and just enough water drips out to dampen tiny portions of the head or body at any given moment.

Anyhow, you know what I have noticed most about the modern conveniences we don't have? I don't miss them. After just a couple of months, I hardly think of them.

Okay, I miss the central heat.

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