David's Daily Diversions

Britain's Most Expensive Mediaeval Experience

Mrs H had been wanting to visit Warwick Castle for ages. It's not a cheap ticket, so the ever-economical Mrs H traded in Tesco Club Card vouchers using a special deal they have with Warwick Castle and other attractions. Unfortunately, when we got there, the ticket people refused our Great Day Out vouchers because they didn't specifically say "Warwick Castle" on them. This despite the fact that Mrs H specifically ordered them for the castle. The castle folks blamed Tesco for sending us the wrong vouchers. I'm sure when we write to Tesco (and you can be sure we will) they will blame the castle.

Because Kelly had to go to the car and get the voucher cover letter from Tesco for the castle staff to photocopy and all of the rest of the hassle, they gave is student rate tickets, which were about £4 off. This wasn't as good as if we had brought the £5 off coupons we left at home.

Warwick Castle bills itself as the "Britain's Greatest Mediaeval Experience". It ought to be for the price. After next week (the peak season) the adult price goes from £13.50 to £14.50 (about $29.00). That gets you in the grounds, but not into everything. There are special ticketed events as well.

They don't charge for children under 4, but what they should do is give a discount to anyone with an under-4. It wasn't the best place to take Aidan. He didn't get a lot out of it and the need for constant supervision meant that no one else did either. By the time we got there, changed Abby's nappy, waited through the whole ticket fiasco, changed Abby's nappy, got some food, and yes, changed Abby's nappy, we didn't have a lot of time left.

The castle was set to close an hour early today because of a Cliff Richard concert on the grounds tonight. Thus we had to cram everything in before 5:00.

Mixed in with the usual school groups and American tourists were a lot of chubby ladies in the 50-70 age bracket wearing t-shirts that appeared to have been acquired from the hucksters at the last Cliff Richard concert they attended. Yes, Sir Cliff's groupies were out in force.

One of the centrepiece attractions at the castle is not medieval at all. It is the re-creation of a 1898 Royal Weekend Party. The Royal Weekend Party has been there since I last visited the castle in 1990. In fact, it has been there since 1982. All of the guests look unbelievably lifelike.

This is because Warwick Castle is owned by the Tussauds Group. They bought it off Charles Guy Greville, Earl of Warwick, in 1978. Yes, as in Madame Tussauds. In addition to the famous wax museum on Baker Street, they also own Chessington World of Adventures, Thorpe Park, Alton Towers, and the London Eye.

There are a couple of other waxwork attractions within the castle, one that focuses on the Restoration period (late 17th century) and the other that actually deals with something medieval - the household of the most famous Earl of Warwick, Richard Neville, the Kingmaker. I think that was Aidie's favourite bit, because he kept going into it and dancing to the recorded music.

Well, his second favourite bit. The most interesting things for Aidie were the bins. There was nothing special about them, but he wouldn't leave them alone. While he and I waiting for Mummy to - you guessed it - change Abby's nappy, he had an ice cream. When he finished it, he put the paper in the bin. Then he put other bits in the bin. Then found other people's bit of trash and put those in the bin. Then he got a baby wipe out of the pram, cleaned off a little spot of dripped ice cream and ran over and put that in the bin. Everywhere we went in the castle, he had to look in the bins. They were all the same, but he had to mess with them.

After Mrs H's knee gave out, she and Abby waited at ground level. Aidie and went exploring to greater heights. We climbed up into the gatehouse and barbican. It is a good thing that the Mrs was out of sight. Let's just say that winding spiral stone staircases without handrails have intrinsic health and safety issues. They weren't designed with 2-year-olds in mind.

We then went to the top of the Mound - the bit of the castle dating from 1068. We climbed and climbed and climbed, until we looked over all of the castle and lots of Warwickshire countryside. I think Aidie appreciated neither the geography nor the history. While we were at the top, Sir Cliff began his sound check.

The last trip we took was about as far down as the Mound was up. Aidie and I walked down and down and down to the Mill and Engine House. Unfortunately, he was too young to appreciate the various turbines and their function. I think it would have been very interesting to a child of 7 or 8.

At the Mill and Engine House we uncovered one of the great mysteries of Warwick Castle. There is no disabled access to the Mill. However, once we got down there, it included a disabled toilet and one of those little wheelchair mini-lifts for moving from one level to the other. Why?

This mystery unsolved, the time came to leave the castle. On the way out, we saw a bloke in costume doing an archery demonstration. He was very good. He could shoot 18 arrows a minute and shoot the skull off a dummy at 50 yards without aiming using a medieval longbow.

So our afternoon at Warwick Castle was at an end. As we were leaving, more Cliff groupies kept pouring in. We -you guessed it - changed Abby's nappy and headed home.