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David's Mental Meanderings
30th October 2000

This week I finally reached that important milestone in my immigration to the United Kingdom: I passed my driving test. It took three attempts and about £150, but I did it. Reaching this point has been a harrowing experience.

I have been a licensed driver for the past twenty years. I have logged hundreds of thousands of miles behind the wheel. I might not be the best driver in the world, but I'm competent. I have been driving in the UK since 1990 and everyday for more than 300 consecutive days.

However, because I do not come from an EU or Commonwealth country, the British Government does not recognize my two decades of experience behind the wheel. If I were an 18 year old Greek boy, who has only ever driven on the other side of the road, doesn't understand or read the English language, and doesn't even comprehend the Roman alphabet, I could simply exchange my Greek license for a British one.

I was under the pressure of two different time constraints in successfully obtaining my license. When I took my present job, my contract specified that I had to obtain a license within six months or be terminated. When I immigrated to the UK, I had to obtain that license within one year, as my foreign license would cease to be valid in the UK at that time. What I didn't know when I took my job was that I had to be resident in the UK for at least six months before I could take my driving test. To make things just a little more complicated, the first literature I got on the subject said I had to be in the UK for at least six months before I could even apply for my test.

So I waited at least six months before I booked my theory test. The UK theory test is nothing like the theory tests I took when exchanging my license in Arkansas in 1988 or Indiana in 1990. I spent hours studying all the obscure road signs that no one ever sees anyway, along with all the stopping distances at all possible speeds in all possible road conditions. I studied all the possible types of questions. I took practice test after practice test until I was consistently missing fewer than the limit of five questions. When the test day came, I manage to pass with only one incorrect answer.

With a modicum of self-confidence, I booked my first driving test. Because at this point I could get fired from my job at any point in time, I had to get the earliest possible date. The soonest I could get one in Hereford was a couple of months out, so I opted for Worcester. I studied the book from the British School of Motoring on how to pass the practical test.

Even though I work in Worcester one day a week, I do not know the roads. My mind was set at ease in the waiting area, when one of the driving instructors who had brought his student to the test assured me that the examiner would take into account my years of driving and any bad habits I might have picked up. He couldn't have been more wrong.

The practical test allows for 15 minor errors in a 57 minute test. One serious error or one dangerous error equals an automatic failure. Enough minor failures in one aspect of practical skill can equal a serious failure, at the examiner's discretion. I got four serious errors. Needless to say, I was a bit incredulous. Even after the examiner explained why, I was incredulous, because none of them would have been considered erroneous in an American driving test and none of them had been made clear by my book.

When you are examined on the issue of steering, it has nothing to do with being able to put the car where it is supposed to go. The overriding issue is where you put your hands on the wheel. I had no problem with the usual "10 and 2" or "9 and 3" positions when driving along. I had no clue that the hands can never leave this position at any time, even when executing a turn. If you ever find yourself in the position of having to take a British driving test, please note: you have to shuffle the wheel through your fingers as you make the turn and shuffle it back through as you straighten. Do not do such a dangerous thing as gripping the wheel and turning it. Do not, I repeat, do not let the wheel slide through your hands as the tires naturally straighten themselves.

Have you seen that funny little bar with the button on top between your bucket seats? You might have used it once when you parked on a steep hill. You certainly wouldn't use it constantly while you are driving. Over here they have what can only be described as a hand brake fetish. They simply can't perform without it. And they don't want you to, either. If you are stopped at a traffic light, use it. If you pull over to the side of the road for a second, use it. If you can't imagine how it would serve a purpose at any given moment, rest assured this is a moment when you are supposed to use it.

And use those mirrors. All they talk about in those books is "mirror-signal-manoeuvre." They don't mention that you should look in all your mirrors about every three seconds, whether you are manoeuvring or not. Thus the entire British motoring population drive as if it is being stalked. Pretend you are being followed by private detectives or you will fail your driving test.

Having failed the first attempt, once again I was short of time to pass the test and no reasonable date was available in Hereford. The closest test centre was Newport. If Worcester road are difficult, Newport's are horrendous. To be on the safe side, I bought a driving lesson. Two hours later and £32 poorer (not including the £10 in petrol for an extra trip to Newport), I had mastered all of those little idiosyncrasies unknown to me in Worcester. Naturally, I failed the test.

You have no doubt seen, or maybe even experienced, that most famous of all British road junctions, the roundabout. Almost all roundabout come in one of two varieties. There is your standard yield-to-the-right roundabout. There is the "ring road" which has traffic lights determining when you can enter into, and proceed around sections of, the roundabout. Every once in a great while the is a roundabout which isn't sure which type it should be. It has "part-time signals." If you aren't used to seeing part-time signals and you are driving through a big roundabout and suddenly an array of unlit signal lamps appear, you might be startled and slow down. Don't. Your first thought might be that the lights are out and someone might just be coming in from the side with no restriction, so you exercise caution. Don't. This is a serious error. It will result in the loss of another £37 test fee and increased anxiety due to impending job loss.

Yet miracles do happen. There was an availability at the Hereford test centre in just 24 days. This was the last chance before my Indiana license became invalid. As I took the test in Hereford, I had been a resident of the UK for 351 days. Even if my company hadn't found out, once my license was invalid, it would obviously be illegal for me to drive my company car and the insurance would be invalid.

At one point of the test, I thought I had failed. I went around a bus and the examiner shook his head. At the end of the test I found out this was because I had used my signal to indicate that was returning to the left lane. That was almost an incorrect use of signal, which would have failed me.

When I learned that I had passed the test, I almost burst into tears. Involuntarily, I crossed myself and thanked the Lord, which may have seemed peculiar to Ray, the examiner. I'm sure he has seen various expression of elation in the past, so he remained quite unfazed by my outburst and just continued filling out forms and explaining procedures.

Well, I wish I had some sort of funny, quirky way of finishing this, but I can't think of any. I'll be following up on this shortly with a general update about Mrs Holford and me.

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