David's Daily Diversions

Bite-size portions of the wit and wisdom to which you are accustomed in David's Mental Meanderings

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Saturday, May 10, 2003
 
Lousy Excuses

In a move only marginally less stupid than breaking into Tony Martin�s farmhouse, 28-year-old David Gardner crawled into the chimney of the Twin Farms pub in Newcastle. Armed with screwdrivers, pliers and a hammer, the 6ft Gardner got as far as a bend in the pipe and became stuck.

It took a specialist rescue vehicle and four fire engines to free him. He had to be pulled backwards for 12 feet through an aluminium pipe only 18 inches across. Not surprisingly, it took 40 minutes to get him out.

Gardner originally claimed that he has gotten stuck trying to rescue a cat. In court he admitted to burglary. In mitigation, his lawyer said, "This was an unsophisticated burglary which was bound to fail and he has to endure numerous jokes from numerous police officers when they see him."

So you think there can�t be a more unbelievable excuse than the �trying to rescue a cat� ploy? Wrong.

Lorna Stewart was having an affair with Rena Salmon�s husband. Even though Lorna was her best friend, Rena did not appreciate this. However, she didn�t fly into a fit of rage. It wasn�t a secret and she had known about it for ages, even talking to the neighbours about it.

So it wasn�t a crime of passion when she showed up to Stewart�s hair salon in west London with a double-barrel shotgun. Showing no emotion, Rena discharged both barrels into Lorna�s abdomen. Then she sat by the body sending text messages to her estranged husband and friends, telling them what she had done.

Yesterday at her trial on the charge of murder (seems pretty obvious), it was revealed that Rena told the police she didn�t mean to kill Lorna, but only hurt her. Somehow I don�t see the jury buying that.

Friday, May 9, 2003


Jailed in Britain for Believing American Legal Theory

Wednesday, I mentioned the refusal of the Parole Board to release farmer Tony Martin and that it intended to make the absurd argument that burglars need protection for householders who would dare to protect themselves or their property.

Not only did they argue it, the judge agreed. He said that it was possible he might be burgled again. �Unfortunately the possibility that Mr Martin might again be the victim of crime is not as remote as he (counsel for Martin) suggests.� Thus, because Martin could become a victim of crime, he must stay in jail until the standard early release date of July 28 � the completion of two-thirds of his sentence.

Now why Tony Martin is the threat between now and the end of July, but not after that time was not made clear. He could just as easily be burgled on July 29th as he could on May 10th. Is the purpose of his sentence to give thieves peace of mind for an extra ten weeks?

The Parole Board based its decision on a probation report that deemed him unacceptable because �He has very strong views that he was entirely justified in protecting himself and his property. He holds the view that an Englishman�s home is his castle and he is entitled to take any steps necessary to secure that.� That�s right. Tony Martin is being kept in prison because he holds unacceptable beliefs about the right to defend his life and property. He refuses to be reprogrammed. It would appear that Tony Martin thinks too much like an American to be allowed to live his own quiet life in his remote farmhouse.

Revisionist Cartography

Ordnance Survey, the Government�s official mapmaker, is removing hundreds of churches from its maps. Any church that is no longer used for worship, regardless of its historical or archaeological significance, will no longer have a symbol on OS maps.

Heritage groups, which were not consulted, are beside themselves. Richard Morris, a church historian and a commissioner for English Heritage, said: �Deleting them from the way we represent landscape is deleting one layer of our cultural habitat, for no good reason. It�s crazy. It�s crackers. Maps are not just about getting from A to B, they�re about understanding where we live.� Alex Hunt, conservation officer for the Council of British Archaeology, said: �There goes a millennium of history. Churches are part of the history of the landscape.�


Thursday, May 08, 2003
 
Today, we took Aidie�s grandparents to Heathrow to catch a flight to Budapest. They�ll be back in a week. We took the scenic route home, using the opportunity to visit Avebury.

Avebury is a prehistoric World Heritage Site with lots of big rocks. These aren�t just ordinary big rocks. These are really big rocks placed in giant circles. It�s kind of like Stonehenge only on a much larger scale. I had been there 13 years ago as a member of the Four Young Americans, but Mrs Holford had never seen it. Neither had Aidan, of course.

On the way to Avebury, we stopped a mile south of the village at Silbury Hill. It is the largest prehistoric man-made mound in Europe. Since at least the 18th century archaeologists have been trying to figure out why it was built. There are still no answers. Aidie didn�t ask why it was built. I don�t think he even realise why we had stopped to car, other than to change a very smelly nappy.

When we got to Avebury village, it was 1:00, so before looking at the big rocks, we decided to have lunch in the only pub, the Red Lion. What a mistake. We should have gone hungry. Mrs Holford went in and looked at the menu. She said it was a little more expensive than we might expect from a pub, but not that much more. All I can say is that it was much, much more than it was worth. If you want to see the world famous Avebury go ahead, but eat somewhere else first.

If you eat at the Red Lion, this is what you can expect:

I ordered a steak and caramelised onion sandwich on a baguette. I didn�t think I would need to specify a level of doneness for a thin piece of steak for a sandwich (nor was I asked my preference). When I bit into it, I heard a faint mooing sound. I saw blood. The bread wasn�t fresh and it wasn�t a baguette.

Mrs Holford ordered sausage and mash, which promised Cumberland sausages with red wine gravy. More like Tesco value sausages on top of instant potato goo and the gravy was not made with wine, red or otherwise.

If you need want a napkin, they�ll be happy to provide you with toilet tissue. Not I am not kidding. Poo paper. When I asked for a napkin to wipe the blood and onion glop off my hands, the waitress didn't hesitate to tell me all they had was tissue.

There were flies everywhere, constantly landing on our food. They seemed to arrive simultaneously with our food, so I wonder if they followed it out of the kitchen.

As an accompanying beverage, I had lemonade with a bit of lime cordial, which is invariably my choice when I�m not in a position to have a pint of cider. The Red Lion in Avebury is the only pub I�ve ever patronised that charged extra for the shot of lime.

Now to be fair, Aidie�s meal was fine (except for having to constant shoo the flies, of course). He had sausage, alphabites (shaped mashed potato in batter), and peas. His only cost �2.25. He got the same type sausages as Kelly.

Before we left, Kel wrote them an explanation of all the problems on one of the pieces of toilet paper provided.

Again, to be fair, I want to mention that the Red Lion is not the only problem with Avebury. After we exited the pub, I needed to visit the public loo. I don�t think I�ve been in a fouler place. The entire floor was wet, but it wasn�t from pure water. Both commodes were unflushed. The urinal trough was littered with trash.

If you are going to visit Avebury, wee before you get there.

As we walked amongst the stones, we were careful not to disturb the couple worshipping at the foot of a rock. They prostrated themselves before the rock god, or whatever. I�m not sure if they were with the druidic bloke who came in the pub while we were there. At least we didn�t have to observe any fertility rites.

As for the stones themselves, Mrs Holford was moderately impressed. It is quite a feat of engineering for a people without machines to have moved these giant chunks of rock from the Marlborough Downs. Admittedly this isn�t as far as the Stonehenge builders seem to have gone to get their famous building material, but it is amazing nonetheless.

Aidan didn�t seem to notice them. He was more interested in picking flowers.


Wednesday, May 07, 2003
 
Burglars Need Protection, Too

After farmer Tony Martin�s conviction for murder was downgraded to manslaughter, and his life sentence was reduced to five years, the Parole Board refused to grant him early release in January. The Board ignored psychological reports indicating that Martin was a model prisoner and should be released because he showed no contrition for shooting the burglar who had broken into his house.

I doubt that I have an American reader who is not shocked that the idea that Martin was convicted at all. Even the vast majority of Brits thought he should have not have been charged. Personally, I would have given him a medal for removing a menace to society and improving the overall gene pool. Rather than having arrested him, the Norfolk Constabulary should have given him an award for saving them the time and expense of investigating Fred Barras� future felonies.

Martin�s legal team are challenging the Parole Board�s decision before the High Court. It has been reported in the broadsheet newspapers that Parole Board lawyers will be opposing the challenge with the argument that burglars are members of the public in need of protection from violent householders.

Egging Him On

Merseyside Police have released without charge a 41-year-old man and a 16-year-old boy who threw eggs at George Galloway. The always-dodgy Mr Galloway managed to avoid being hit.

The ovum-hurling pair was initially arrested for conduct likely to cause a breach of the peace. Perhaps the police realised that when apprised of Galloway�s conduct of late, it was an entirely reasonable and rational reaction.

Doing Violence to History

The home of Henry VIII�s last wife, Katherine Parr, is to undergo a �2 million redevelopment to include a restaurant, shops, visitor centre, and car park. The problem is that Sudeley Castle is adjacent to the village of Winchcombe, Gloucestershire. The new development is designed to bring in lots and lots of visitors. The street of Winchcombe are not. I�ve been to Winchcombe more than once and Mrs Holford and I have visited Sudeley Castle in its present state of development.

The surprising thing is that the redevelopment has been shelved. The owner of the castle, film producer Henry Dent-Brocklehurst spent three years getting planning permission for the venture. The council had received 800 letters of objection when the application was filed. Now that castle has the go-ahead, it seems the economic climate isn�t right at the moment.

I�m sure as soon as climate changes, everything will go ahead as planned.


Tuesday, May 06, 2003
 
It appears that listeners to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 have more spiritual sense than I would have assumed if I had ever thought about it. A survey of listeners found that St George should be replaced by St Alban as the patron saint of England.

It�s not that I have anything against St George. I�m not one of the sceptics of doubting his existence. I just don�t think he has any particular connection to England. He wasn�t adopted at the patron saint until the 14th century. St George was martyred in the third century in Palestine. Worthy of veneration? Of course. English? No.

St Alban is often called the Proto-Martyr of Britain, as he is the first person recorded to have laid down his earthly life for the Faith on these shores. The first English Church historian, the Venerable Bede, tells us that he gave shelter to a Christian priest being pursued by the Roman authorities. The priest shared the Gospel with Alban and he was converted to Christ. He was subsequently martyred for refusing to say those simple words, �Caesar is Lord�. Instead he said, "I worship and adore the true and living God, who created all things."

The holy martyr Alban was beheaded in the Roman town of Verulamium, which is now called St Albans. The cathedral of the eponymous diocese was built on the site of his execution.

St Alban won the vote by a large margin over St George. In third place was St Cuthbert. I�m a big fan of Cuthbert as well. He was the successor to the successor of St Aidan as bishop of Lindisfarne. I have often suggested to Mrs Holford that we name our next man-child Cuthbert, but she has so far vetoed this choice.

The BBC�s cluelessness about saints is clear. They said his �dramatic life and death caught the attention of many� noting that �he was reputed to have conversed with angels, demonstrated the power to heal, plus legend has it that when his body was dug up over a decade after burial, it hadn't composed�. This doesn�t seem particularly extraordinary for a saint. Not everyone talks with angels, but the gift of healing is, relatively speaking, fairly common and the bodies of lots of saints are found to be incorrupt much more than a decade after death.

I probably would have voted for St Aidan. After all, I think enough of him to have named my first-born for him.

Monday, May 5, 2003


I haven�t had a lot of time to blog lately, what with the folks visiting and all.

Today we took a day trip to Ross-on-Wye and nearby Goodrich Castle. In all their visits to Herefordshire, my parents had never been to Ross. We visited the Ross Heritage Centre and I was impressed to learn that St Thomas Cantilupe had twice hosted Henry III at the bishop�s palace that was built there. I suppose that whichever bishop built it decided that if he had to be as far away as 15 miles from his main palace next to the cathedral, he should have a spare palace handy. I also learned that this palace had a prison for �delinquent clergy�. I�m not sure what a clergyman had to do to become delinquent, but I�m sure he tried to avoid it, as when the prison was excavated, they found shackles for chaining the prisoners to the wall.

At the Heritage Centre, I was impressed with the audio-visual presentation about the history of the area. I wasn�t impressed with the quality or technology, but rather that they mentioned our family patron, St Dyfrig and the importance of his church at Hentland and his seminary at what is now Llanfrother Farm. (At some point I hope to develop a website about St Dyfrig, but I haven�t had the chance to pull it together.)

After a bit of shopping by Mrs Holford and her mother-in-law, we ate some lunch and then made our way Goodrich.

Goodrich Castle is the only ruin in Herefordshire that is substantially preserved enough for English Heritage to charge admission. Mrs Holford and I have been there before. We decided to take my parents there because Goodrich was hosting medieval entertainment for the bank holiday. The Harlech Medieval Society goes around to various castles in England and Wales putting on displays of 13th century weapons and combat. We have seen them at other venues.

It rained part of the time we were there, and we had to take shelter in the chapel. After the rain was over, we watched mock fights. We were the second show they had done for the day (and probably the fourth over a two-day period). The ground was slippery from the rain. All in all it could have been better. Mrs Holford�s in-laws didn�t seem to enjoy it that much.

Aidan was pretty much oblivious to the whole thing, other than all the kids running everywhere. We had to keep him either in his pram or on his leash to keep him from cuddling any available child.